Northern Justice

The following piece was featured in the Wausau, WI publication, 'The Forum' in April 2009. It is a satirical piece involving mass prison executions in the form of a reality TV show. Enjoy.

A Wisconsin prison has recently come up with a new and exciting way to save taxpayers money. The project, which is financed by the prisons’ Republican, corporate supporters, is a radical departure from past efforts to save taxpayers money. The project’s goal aims at reducing the number of death row inmates in a way that salivating, violence- craving Americans can understand: televised execution parties.
The state secured a contract last December with national network MTV to run a reality T.V. series at 8 p.m. every other Saturday called, ‘Northern Justice’. The program features death-row inmates being submerged under water in a steel cage in which viewers can vote via Twitter which inmate will drown first. The show has been such a hit that Minnesota, Montana, Texas and Nebraska are considering a similar television show synopsis to alleviate the expensive burden of death-row prisoners.
Philippe Dauman, CEO of Viacom, the parent company of MTV, expressed his gratitude for the networks opportunity to host this brand new form of entertainment. “I’ve been in this business a long time. Since we (MTV) no longer play good music or music videos and only care about our crappy reality TV series, this is the step in the right direction.” I went in that direction, to an actual taping of ‘Northern Justice’, to see what the hype is all about.
I arrived at the prison on Saturday afternoon, which sits by a placid lake in the scenic state of Wisconsin. There were medieval, brightly colored triangular banners waving triumphantly atop tall steel poles to the direct right of the prison in the large open area where the massive crowd was gathered in the tall bleachers facing the water. Advertisements for H&R Block and SCUBA were smeared across the landscape. On the viewing grounds, in between the TV cameras and vans were largely obese males with fanny packs holding white bags of popcorn while wearing t-shirts which read, ‘I’m with Stupid’. There were also very normal looking, upright families who had come out to enjoy the festivities of outwardly directed taxpayer anger. After a half-hour or so, silence fell across the thousands of audience members as the P.A. voice announced the arrival of the death-row inmates. They came out of a small steel door on the side of the prison, chained together at the neck and ankles, each wearing shirts with corporate advertisements and a unique number on the front for audience voting. They were being tasered unnecessarily for the amusement of the audience. The anguished groans and jolts of the 30 or so prisoners were viewable on the two giant plasma screen televisions. Each taser shock resulted in the deafening roar of the audience, clapping and throwing their uneaten food at the ground below them in sheer ecstasy. A third giant screen showed how the MTV broadcast looked to the millions of viewers at home. Millions of American families put down the video games, fruit snacks, and meth to watch ‘Northern Justice’ on TV, all in separate rooms of course, where they wouldn’t have to look at one another. Despite the disparity, the programming was the same thing that they all ferociously craved—violence and pathogenic social camaraderie. The chain of prisoners was led into a large steel cage, much like one would find at a zoo. A massive crane on the far right of the staging area picked up the cage and held it over the audience whose manic screams were now approaching a near orgasmic sound. An MTV camera zoomed in on the prisoner’s angry, scouring faces. Cleetus Johnson, crane operator and former inmate/ prison rape victim, handled the crane control levers like a mad scientist with an emphasis in revenge. He made a howling, primal, jovial noise as he swung the cage over the bleechers and just above the surface of the shimmering lake. The camera attached to the cage, ‘Dunk Cam’, shook as Cleetus began to swing the cage back and forth violently, tumbling the ragged prisoners like socks in a washing machine. The audience screamed in anger, yelling obscenities and insults toward their human tax dollar drains. An MTV host said, “in an economy like this one, every dollar counts. These animals in this cage are costing these people millions in tax dollars. For what? This is a display of joy”. Cameras then turned toward Cleetus and the crane as he lowered the cage into the water. After the cage went under, the audience’s eyes turned toward the screens where they could see what was happening underwater via the cameras onboard the cage. The prisoners beat at the steel bars in a futile anger as their lungs filled with water. They screamed silent screams and gave the middle finger to the camera which enraged the audience with a passion drenched roar. This was the time when the folks at home could phone in or vote via Twitter which numbered prisoner would drown and float toward the top of the cage first. Within minutes more individual votes had come in than in the previous presidential election. Prisoner number 22 drowned first. The winner, eight-year-old Apple Eflow, was shown sitting on his couch at home, smoking a cigarette, his mother next to him with a large hypodermic needle sticking out of her limp arm as she fell to the floor. A large ‘Congratulations: Fuck You Apple!’ came across the screen as the most exciting part of the event occurred--the seven second escape. A small door built into the cage opened for just seven seconds, allowing for at least one prisoner to swim out of it and to the surface. The door opened and the still living prisoners madly swam toward it as one, number 7, escaped. The door closed on prisoner number 25, decapitating him at the torso. Meanwhile, for the folks at home this was an opportunity to make major money. An onscreen timer ran above another meter than gained $10.00 a second. Whoever called in at the moment number 7 was harpooned, would be the winner. The party boat, which held V.I.P. guests and Chuck Steak, the harpoonist, raced toward the prisoner, who was swimming to land. The MTV helicopter circled above as Chuck harpooned number 7 in the shoulder. The audience on land screamed viciously and began attacking each other—a winner had been announced. Chuck grabbed a rope and wrangled it around number seven’s neck. He then floored the boat dragging number seven across the water, smashing him into color coded buoys that released a money filled balloon each time they were hit that drifted toward the audience who shot them down with MTV branded .22 caliber pistols. The helicopter then opened its hatch as two large breasted women with ‘Cheetos’ embroidered wet-suits trapezed down two ropes and brought number seven into the helicopter. The helicopter then threw number seven out as Cletus fired a poison tipped harpoon at number seven as he was thrown out of the helicopter like a baseball. Cletus smiles with his sleeveless flannel shirt and two- teethed grin. The audience did a large wave as number seven was finally defeated. The cage cam showed a bunch of lifeless, drifting bodies inside the cage. The prisoners were dead, the show was over. I thought to myself, what a wonderful world. On Wisconsin!

>>http://www.uwmcforum.com/pdf/Volume46Issue6.pdf