Weird Enough For Me

11.30.08

This is a story about what lies beneath the surface of some humans. The brutal reality of inter- office relationships, told through the voice of the handsome onlooker, me.

THE OFFICE OF THE NEW YORK CITY CRIME INVESTIGATION AGENCY. OCTOBER 1992. NOT THAT ANY OF THAT REALLY FUCKING MATTERS.
"Present to me one fact, Sinep, why I should not go and hang myself from my daughter's ceiling fan," said Davis. Look, said Dr. KO Sinep, you're full of ambition, your knowledge of criminal law is unsurpassed in this district. Your daughter is full of hatred herself you know. When your wife..... when she let me sleep with her..... she bled and died in your arms. You do remember don't you? Remember the look on Lucidia's face Davis? When in her innocence, her youthful squalor dragged her carcass, your daughter dragged it, leaving a blood trail out to the dumpster on the curb. Remember how we laughed far into the cunning night? Where was your daughter then? I walked in on her and saw her tying a rope around her ceiling fan Davis. I stepped out of the euphoria, just for a moment..... I told her no, life is full of beauty. For Christ's sake my heart was racing Davis. It was busting through my bones, I swear to Allah! I lied to her my best. I told her life is worth living, my face was convulsing, tears flooding the virgin land under my skin. I told her the wonders of love, the catatonic melancholy nights and everything you and I traded away. My mind was fading, falling like the neon colors around a waning jukebox. We traded it all for two things Davis. Beer and pussy. Hell Davis, we were drowning in it. I'm still coughing it out of my burnt lungs."
"Well, look Sinep, with all due respect, my wife, I took her out of the dumpster that night after you wandered down the street, dragged her to the garden and.... and.... I just did it. I tried to relive those days you just spoke of. Dark yet bright, brilliant yet oh so unmistakable."
"Wait a second, said Davis. You're telling me that you..that you.. fucked your dead wife?, the one I accidentally killed, her? How is this?"
Davis spoke sullenly now, he placed his trembling hand in his pocket.
"Look, don't worry about it, said Davis. I dragged her back to the dumpster. I still visit the landfill every once in a while, looking for her skull. I want to put it up on the mantle, with daisies through her eye socket."
"Hmmm, yeah," said Sinep. "She'd get a hell of a turn on from that."
Just then local criminal task force exec. Dr. JW Whitaker, opened the door, he peered into the dim, contemplative office room.
"You bize bizy?", asked Whitaker in his nasally, Brooklyn dialect
Sinep shook his head at the desk, his feet up on it.
Sinep and Davis replied no in that nervous and carefree way I think I've come to love.
"We got som won lyin out on the Parkway, out on the north side. Guts, blood, harrid really," said Whitaker, walking into the office.
"Davis slumped down into the black leather chair and buried his head into his hands.
"No I can't do that Whitaker. I can't stand to see women, women of all fuckers, laying there with their heart on their sleeve, literally. I can't do it!"
Davis got up, threw the chair on its side. He stumbled to Whitaker. Davis grabbed his head and smashed it into the corner of the mahogany desk Sinep sat at.
"Hoy shit!," screamed Sinep," what the hell are you doing!", "What the hell are you doing!"
Davis turned to Sinep, his hair covering one half of his crazed face. "I'm doing what you did to my wife you sick fucker. Look at it, look at him dying now Sinep, does this turn you on? Are you gonna start jerking off under that desk you fucking murderer asshole?"
Sinep leaped across the desk scattering papers across the floor. He roundhouse kicked Davis in the face. As Davis fell to the ground, Sinep kicked the shit out of Whitaker.
"You fat bastard Whitaker, I know you sneak out to the gay sex bars each Friday. You leave that bitch wife of yours to play her own games huh! You just love when the fags surround you and abuse you like that! What kind of sick bastard are you anyway?"
Sinep offered his hand out to Whitaker, his eyes glowed with defeat and sad delusions anyway.
"Look at him," said Sinep pointing to Davis on the office floor,"Look at him!"
Just then a knock came on the office door. It was either a dinosaur eating bird or it was fig bitch. The overweight busty secretary Flynn, who got off on eating Fig Newtons stored in her panties.
" Um, I have like, a paper thing here. It's something bout like the homicide out by like the Parkway"
"Uggh that stupid bitch," proclaimed Sinep.
In a impatient and angry tone he told her to just slip it in the mailbox outside the door.
"Ummm no Sinep. I have to give it to you. Like, it's company policy!!! Whitaker told me so!"
As to not cause any further suspicion from the outside office, Sinep cracked the door open a bit and took the paper.
"Thanks fig bitch, er, I mean Flynn."
Fig bitch heard the offhanded remark and walked back to the slightly ajar office door.
"Excuse me Sinep, what did you just say?"
As I sat and watched this unfold from a cubicle nearby, I was waiting impatiently for a brawl, I hoped she would rip that ugly ass shawl off and everyone around me would go down in a brazen shower of gunfire. I wanted to witness the meltdown and live.
"Fig bitch?" replied Flynn. "Fig bitch?"
She pressed that chest against the office door as Sinep tried to hold it shut from the other side.
Haha, the real side of inter- office politcs I thought to myself while watching. I wondered whose cubicle I was sitting at, like I care. There was a calendar with pictures of this employees family tacked to the cubicle. I lit a joint and fired staples at the picture until the stapler was empty. Then I took the stapler and threw it over the cubicle wall with some force I might add. I think it smashed a vase or something. Damn.
Flynn was still trying to pry the door open.
Davis was beginning to regain consciousness now.
"What the hell is going on here!" said Davis.
"Davis," Whitaker whispered weakly lying on the floor. " You see that paperweight on the bookshelf?"
"Yah, sure, sure," said Davis.
"Well, grab it and beat down Sinep with it, it's our only hope!"
Davis, unfortunately, had been knocked out so hard he had forgotten about the events that led to this occurrence.
Sinep was busy holding the door shut from Flynn.
Flynn screamed for security and two female IT interns showed up at the mundane office door.
Recognizing his advantage over Davis, Sinep said, "Davis, open up the bookshelf. There's a secret compartment behind it. Throw Whitaker's body into it and close it! You can eat him if you want I guess."
Sinep opened the office door and grabbed Flynn and took her inside to stop the commotion. People were starting to notice.
"Look Fig bitch, I'm an Israeli Arab fighter, I've got this whole place wired to go down in 2 minutes! said Sinep."
Fig Bitch started pounding on the door so Sinep told Davis to wack her with the paperweight.
Davis sneaked up behind Fig Bitch and tripped her ankles. Then he sat on her face until that chest stopped moving in that tantalizing up down motion that had driven Davis to do insane things.
"Davis, said Sinep, This building is about to blow in a minute, I want to tell you that it is I who has your wife's skull and it feels soooooooo good."
Davis screamed and ran toward Sinep in anger. He punched him in the throat, then the stomach, then the genitals. Sinep fell to the floor.
Whitaker jumped out from behind the bookcase and started writing something on a piece of company stationary.
"What the FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" screamed Davis. "Davis grabbed his note and recited Whitaker's note in a childish voice of mockery.
"Sally, tell Geraldo that I'll always wash him in the bath, until he turns 16 at least. I love you so much. I know I'm not going to make it out of here alive. I've sort of been taken hostage by a crazed subordinate. The acid is under my night stand, take it at will. Love, Dennis."
"Awwww, Denny, what a tragedy huh. Look, you think I want to go down in this shithole?" Davis had Whitaker pinned against the wall, talking under his breath frantically, his face oh so close to Whitaker. His white shirtsleeves were ripped. His black tie was hanging crooked over his exposed chest.
"You were gonna send me out to see that woman weren't you? See her body torn apart like that. You know what I went through with my wife!"
Fig bitch stormed out of the office after regaining consciousness and screamed, "BOMB!"
Sirens flashed, workers jumped over their cubicles to try to get to the bottom floor in time.
Everyone rushed insatiably in one direction. Towards death.
The doors had all automatically locked shut. Everyone was trapped on the 11th floor of the New York City Crime Investigation Agency.
Men in black armor stormed into the office level mowing everyone down in their path.
Bullets hit the light bulbs as each explosion announced the arrival of increased darkness.
In the office, Davis hurriedly slammed the door shut.
"Fuck you Whitaker" said Davis as he delivered the final blow to Whitaker's mortality.
As the police force broke down the office door, Davis crawled through the ceiling ductwork in the building.
He peered down from the ceiling to see Fig bitch dead on the floor.
So.... I walk over to her body, take off her pants, and steal the Fig newtons. Not bad I say as a bullet fly's past my head. A little melty but hey, in a war zone, anything goes. I walk over to the coffee machine, take a few swigs of the brown bile. Sick I thought, after I leave I am headed to Starbucks. I grabbed the glass pot and threw it at the ceiling.
Just then Davis fell through the ceiling, his face planted right between Fig bitches tits.
An office grabs him by the back of his shirt collar.
"You from around here?" the officer asks,
"No, no hell no I'm a vending machine repairman."
The lie didn't stick so well as the bullet did.
Just then there was a huge explosion that jolted everyone dead and alive into the wall....
"What the hell?" mumbled Sinep.
"5:30 already?
He switched his alarm clock off.
"Hell, that was a crazy ass nightmare. Jesus shit! And who the hell was the guy in the.... oh nevermind. He yelled for his wife Maria N. Coco.
"Honey? where's my toothbrush?"
"Well, darling it's right where you left it."
"And where is that?"
Her tone turned angry.
"Davis called me at 4am. You were in his wife's bed last night. You had your toothbrush with you and everything. He called you know, I told you that, his wife, she isn't breathing. He's wondering if it's something that you did."
"What?" replied Sinep in a tone of great confusion.
He got in the car and drove by Davis's house. An arm was sticking out of the garbage can.